The Lurve Guru
by HeadlessHuntsman
Summary: Both Scorpius and Rose need romantic advice. Who better to give that advice than The Lurve Guru
1. Chapter 1

**This was written for Fanfiction's Got Talent and also the Princess Bride Quote Challenge**

**In the first contest I was to write a next gen romance incorporating the phrase "Fire and rain" **

**In the second my quote was "Don't rush me sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles."**

**The Lurve Guru**

Scorpius was going to see his best mate Albus. He needed advice and Albus was the one to ask. Scorpius was having a girl problem. Everyone at Hogwarts knew Albus was the person to talk with, when you had romance problems. Albus hadn't been dubbed the "Lurve Guru" for nothing.

But this wasn't the usual type of problem Albus helped solve.

"Hey Al," Scorpius said, coming through the entrance to the Slytherin common room.

"Hey Scorp, what's up?" Albus responded, flopping down in a chair next to the fireplace.

Scorpius glanced around the room nervously.

"Albus can I talk to you for a second?" he asked.

"Sure, whatcha need?" Albus asked, turning in his chair to face his friend.

"I kinda need your help... with a girl," Scorpius said, embarrassed.

"Hey, don't worry. We all need help once in a while," Albus reassured him. "Well, not me of course. Everyone else? Yes. But not me," he said smirking.

"And he's so humble too," Scorpius mocked him.

"Hey you're coming to me, remember," Albus protested. "What's with that anyway? You've never needed my help before. Hell if I had your whole brooding bad-boy, woe is me, my daddy's a death eater act I would be swimming in pu..."

"Enough of that," Scorpius interrupted. "That won't work this time. Not with her. Besides, I don't want to trick her into dating me. I need advice on how to tell her how I feel."

"So you really like this one?" Albus asked.

Scorpius nodded. "She's funny, really smart, opinionated, and hot."

"She sounds awesome," Albus said. "Why haven't I met her?"

"I am positive you have," Scorpius muttered.

"Well, who is it? What house is she in?" Albus asked.

"You've got to promise me you won't get mad," Scorpius said.

"Why in the world would I get ma... No!" Albus jumped up and started pacing. "Of all the boneheaded, ignorant things to do, you go and fall for one of my relatives?"

"I didn't plan it man, it just happened. I've been thinking about her since last summer, when I spent all that time with you." Scorpius sighed, sitting heavily on a couch.

"So which one of my cousins are you smitten with?" Albus asked. "Wait, tell me it's a cousin and not my sister."

"Lily? Good God no!" Scorpius protested. "No offense Al, but your sister is nuckin futz."

"Hey, I've lived with her all of her life. You don't need to tell me. So who we talking about then?"

Scorpius looked down and muttered something Albus couldn't hear.

"What was that?"

"Rose, okay? It's Rose," Scorpius said desperation showing in his voice.

"Rose? We're talking about the same person right?" Albus asked. "Volcanic temper, sharp wit, acid tongued Rose. The same Rose you spent all summer fighting with? Are you sure? You two were like fire and rain, water and oil, Lily and everyone else in the world."

"Dude, I know it's just we've talking and hanging out since last summer and... I really like her.".

"Have you talked to her?" Albus asked.

"If I could do that would I be here?" Scorpius asked.

"I guess not," Albus said. "Normally I don't use my ability and knowledge to set-up my cousins however, I can tell you're desperate. I usually start this out by asking a little bit about the subject. However, being that I have known said subject quite literally all of her life, I think we might be a bit ahead of where I normally am in these situations." Albus smirked and ran his hand through his hair, messing it up more than it already was. "Tell me a little about why you like her."

"Okay where do I start. She's funny, she's viciously smart and knows it. She's not some airhead who falls for any pick up line. She has an opinion and is not afraid to let you know it. I don't know why I just know she gets me all flustered when I am around her and I end up looking like an idiot, and I don't care," Scorpius explained.

"Okay first of all, I need to make you understand Rose is a human being, just like you. She has her doubts and misgivings as well. She is not some perfect princess to be placed up on a pedestal," Albus said making sure Scorpius was paying attention. "You need to find out what makes her tick on the inside, most of all talk to her and listen."

"That sounds like it's going to take forever," Scorpius complained. "I was hoping to take her to Hogsmeade next weekend."

"You can't rush this it needs to take it's course. If you rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. The same thing here. You rush the Lurve Guru, you get lousy love." Albus paused for a moment then cracked a smile. "The talking in third person has gotta go, doesn't it?"

"It really does," Scorpius remarked, standing up and walking towards the dorms.

"So you're big secret is talk to her and get to know her likes and wants?" he asked.

"For Rose? Yes," Albus explained. "The normal stuff won't work against her so you have to go the sincere route. I know, I know it seems radical but trust me with Rose it should work."

"Cool, thanks," Socrpius said turning his back to Albus.

"Oh and Scorp?"

"Yeah?" he asked turning back to talk to Albus.

"You break her heart?" Albus said his voice taking a dark tone and his green eyes flashing with intensity. "I'll break your everything, understood?"

"Yeah I got it," Scorpius replied going through the doors to the dorms.

'What the hell have I gotten myself into?'


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: This is the second and final chapter to The Lurve Guru. I own none of this and am making no money from this**

**The Lurve Guru Chapter Two**

Rose knew she needed help. When it came to schoolwork or studying she was fine. If you could learn it from a book or practice it, she was great. This was something completely different. She needed romantic advice. She didn't want to talk to any of her female cousins. She loved them but they were all a couple of Bludgers short of a Quidditch set. She couldn't talk to her best friend Talia because she didn't want the whole school to know who she was interested. Talia could not keep a secret if her life depended on it. She didn't blab out of malice, it's just not in her nature to be deceitful.

Her predicament was why Rose was on her way to see the one person in the school she swore she would never need the services of, her cousin Albus the self described Lurve Guru. Rose had to admit that Albus had a pretty good track record when it came to setting people up.

Rose met Albus in the Astronomy tower after dinner one night.

"Hey Rosie, I got your note what did you need?" Albus asked, finding Rose looking out over the grounds.

"Albus how many time do I have to tell you not to call me that?" Rose asked, exasperated.

"Apparently at least once more, Rosie," Albus smirked. "So what's up?"

"I need your help... with a boy," Rose said looking down at the stone floor.

"Wait. Did my young ears deceive me? Did the almighty, I know everything and I'm not afraid to let you know it, Rose Weasley just admit that someone might know more about something than she does?" Albus stumbled backwards, acting like he was going to faint.

"Very funny," Rose sniffed, watching Albus stumble around."If your quite done I would like to talk to you."

"One more," Albus said grabbing onto a telescope stand, acting like he was trying to steady himself. "There, I think I am over the shock."

"I am so glad for you," Rose said. "Do you wanna know my problem or not?"

"Okay, Okay I'm sorry," Albus said, apologetically. "What's going on."

"There's this boy..." Rose started.

"Good, cause if it was a centaur I would have to turn ya down," Albus said smirking. "I draw the line at inter-species matchmaking."

"And here I thought you had no scruples at all," Rose quipped.

"Hey, I am mortally wounded by your hateful, yet entirely accurate, words" Albus said.

"Are you ever serious?" Rose asked her temper starting to show.

As much fun as it was turning that little handle on the back of Rose's neck, that begged 'Turn me till my head explodes,' Albus was more concerned about Rose's temper.

"Okay, so who's the unfortunate victim err... ahh...lucky guy?" Albus asked, not being able to resist one last dig.

"That's not important," Rose said quickly. "What I need help with is, How do you tell a guy who is your friend that you want him to be more than your friend without losing him as your friend?" Rose asked running the words together.

Albus leaned back against the ledge and thought for a minute.

"Friendship is overrated," Albus said completely serious. "How many great friendship-sonnets have been written? Yes, people may need friends but they CRAVE love. So you talk to this guy, and he doesn't feel the same way, and your friendship gets all awkward. Would that be any less awkward than it would get if you're thinking about what might have been every time you see him?"

Rose looked shocked that Albus' advice actually made sense.

"Rose, you gotta lighten up and let stuff happen. There is a whole world of experiences and emotions that you can't control or quantify. You'll drive yourself more bonkers than Lily if you try."

"I don't want to ruin what we have," Rose protested.

"What do you have?" Albus asked seriously. "Hidden glances, masked desires and unanswered questions. Wouldn't it be better to have it all out there and at least know where you stand?"

"You might just be right," she said, getting lost in her thoughts.

"Don't sound so surprised," he said. "The Lurve Guru is never wrong."

"Seriously Albus, the talking in third person has got to stop."

"You still haven't told me who the guy is," he said changing the subject.

"You're right, I haven't," she said

"That's fine, I pretty much know who it is anyway," he said.

"You do not," she said dismissively.

"Okay you're right. There is no way the young man's first name starts with Scorpius and last name starts with Malfoy," he said smirking.

"How the bloody hell did you know that?"

"Hey..." Albus said pointing at himself with his thumbs, "Lurve Guru."

"You are the biggest, self absorbed, pig-headed prat in the whole school!" Rose huffed, stomping across the tower slamming through the door.

"Scorpius, old pal... Good luck!"


End file.
